There are films that are so bad they’re good. Then there are films that are simply bad. And then, right at the bottom of the barrel, there are films that aren’t merely bad but deeply offensive. *Ice Cream Man* is what Eli Roth has scraped from beneath that barrel.

I was hoping *Ice Cream Man* would be a fun piece of schlock, and there was some of that in the film. Sadly, *Ice Cream Man* was a one-joke movie that rammed it hard into the ground. Eli Roth's mean-spirited nature was present in the film, and it felt uncomfortable watching very young children commit violent acts, and a joke involving a 12-year-old girl's eating disorder.

Oh, now come on - who hasn't enjoyed delicious Mint Romney ice cream? Unfortunately, there is a side effect if you feed it to our children - it turns them into marauding murderers intent on killing every adult they see whether they be parent, guardian, granny or teacher. Luckily, though, "Jared" (Charlie Zelzter) is lactose intolerant and his sister "Lizzie" (Sarah Abbott) won't let him have any. Phew! That leaves him, "Mia" (Kiori Mirza Waldman) and "Tommy" (Shiloh O'Reilly) as the only kids in the town not determined on a rampage of gory slaughter. What's causing all of this? Well they (and we) quickly deduce that it must have something to do with the creepy ice cream man (Ari Millen) whose van appears at all hours of the day and night to top up their dose of coned-delights and so fuel their antics - even the hunky fireman isn't safe! After about ten minutes, this descended into a most puerile and unsophisticated dose of CGI-driven nonsense that did, at least, invoke a degree of unanimity from the dozen or so of us in the cinema who were all looking at each other wondering how this ever got off the drawing board. It's repetitious; there's no jeopardy nor is there even the vaguest attempt to craft any characters that we might care less about as their killing spree finds as many ways of carving someone up and then sets it all to music. It's as if Messrs. Belson and Roth just typed the word kill into a digital thesaurus and then let their computers run riot with the results. To be fair to Zeltzer, he tries to inject a little stoic humanity in to the proceedings - even if his some of his riper dialogue uses language that people his own age wouldn't be able to sit on the other side of the screen and actually watch; but the remainder of the cast just look like they've been just been told to go make some mess for the cameras. Even Hammer or John Carpenter at their abject worst managed to keep us interested in what was happening to some extent, but this really hasn't anything to redeem it at all - except perhaps the end credits. It smacks of something that someone might think has legs for another scoop, but I really hope those with the cash take a stance against such auto-trash and invest in cinema that actually requires people to screw up rather than just our machines.